Just found this online. It's in the spirit of Things White People Like. Check it out on the Mother Nature Network:
Choosing one’s friends is a very weighty endeavor that can yield significant benefits. Some people aim to befriend celebrities because of the exclusive parties and the possibility of landing on Perez Hilton’s blog. Other people aim for politicians because of the connections and first dibs on bumper stickers. Still others aim for musicians because it provides a more legitimate excuse to wear tight jeans and not wash your hair. Recently, a new subset of desirable targets has come on the market: environmentalists.
Traditionally, environmentalists have not been in very high demand as friends. This is in part because they have developed a reputation for being long-winded and angry about the state of things, because they want you to replace all of your belongings with green ones, and because until now, they have been largely inaccessible, living in communal farms in Vermont and in the world’s biggest hippie compound — commonly referred to as the Pacific Northwest. They can seem like a very difficult group to infiltrate and eventually exploit.
Do not let this deter you from entering into what can be a financially and emotionally beneficial alliance. Understanding and talking about the things that environmentalists care about most will be your golden ticket to free lightbulbs, handmade soap and many other perks. In the coming week's I'll be providing a step-by-step guide to befriending environmentalists.
Step One: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner
If an environmentalist invites you over for dinner, do not assume that your host’s primary purpose is to serve you a meal. The goal is education.
You cannot assume your host is vegan or vegetarian either. Doing so could lead to a number of social faux pas that are on par with or worse than calling her a Republican. While many environmentalists are vegan or vegetarian, others can talk for hours about how it is possible to eat meat and still be green. Their requirement of course is that the animal is raised on a small farm and allowed to run around and eat grass. If you are hoping to impress a host in the latter camp, tell a story about how you are raising a few chickens in your backyard. For extra points, use the following terms: free-range, factory farm and antibiotics.
If conversation starts to lull, it’s always a good idea to bring up a paradox that engages the entire table. The most pressing question of our generation is: local or organic? This subject is sure to create a lively distraction while you grab whatever delicious food remains, leaving only the tempeh and brown rice for the other guests.
Once the meal is over, it’s always good manners to insist on doing the dishes. But do not worry about actually having to do them. Simply walk into the kitchen, put the dishes in the sink, turn on the hot water, return to the host, and say, “I’m just waiting for the water to heat up.” They will bolt into the kitchen and shut off the faucet to prevent wasting both water and energy. Feign ignorance. They will finish the job and try to offset the awkwardness of the situation by giving you the leftover local, organic peach cobbler to take home. Environmentalists like to offset things.
Step Two: Brainwashing children
Since the human population is most responsible for the destruction of the planet, you might be wondering if it is appropriate to suggest that an environmentalist commit suicide as a gift to the earth. The answer is no, mostly because environmentalists have so much work to do before they die and are eventually composted.
But while they are on earth, one of the environmentalists’ top priorities is to raise a child in the most eco-friendly fashion possible. This process begins with natural childbirth and quickly moves to a restricted diet entirely free of processed sugar, bleached flour and all other food items typically enjoyed by children. The ultimate plan is to force kids to acquire a taste for organic broccoli, whole grains and tofu before their young minds can yearn for a Happy Meal.
This is important to know in the event that you are asked to supervise an environmentalist’s child. More than likely there will be a list — a very long list — of things the child cannot do, so it is essential to do everything in your power to avoid getting involved. If for some reason you do get stuck babysitting, you should feed the child Snickers bars and soda. This is also an excellent strategy for quickly exiting a friendship with any environmentalist who can no longer benefit you in any way.
Step Three: Being depressed by statistics
The best way to ensure that you always have something to say around your new friends is to make sure you are getting information from sources they trust. To determine if a news source is acceptable, simply look to see if it is sold at the checkout stand at Whole Foods. If this is the case, study the content for conversation points. Before you know it, you will be conversing fluently about tidal power, offshore drilling and gas taxes.
Although television is broadly recognized as unacceptable, documentaries are seen as an important source of statistics and anecdotes. It is essential that you understand how important it is to be able to recite statistics on demand: percentage of Arctic ice melted, average global temperature, days of drought, number of species endangered, and acres of rainforest destroyed hourly. Fortunately, these numbers change every day, so do not be concerned with accuracy.
Step Four: Knowing which ingredients in your shampoo will kill you
The first thing you will notice about environmentalists is the smell. As it stands, they come in three flavors: lavender, patchouli and natural. This is due to the fact that environmentalists do not use deodorant because it contains aluminum and a number of chemicals that concern them greatly. Instead, environmentalists prefer the scents of nature. The most committed allow their own bodies to dictate their smell identity. More often than not this will lead you to believe that the person you are talking to is an organic onion or garlic farmer. Fortunately, there are no environmentalists who consider it an insult to be mistaken for an organic farmer.
As for the rest of their grooming regimen, a look into the shower stall of an environmentalist will reveal several bottles of natural shampoos that didn’t work but can’t be thrown away, and of course, handmade soap. Once you have confirmed that your new friend has an oddly shaped bar of soap, you should ask them if they make their own. If the answer is yes, you have discovered what you will be receiving for your birthday! If the answer is no, then you know exactly what to get them for nondenominational holidays.
Step Five: Never throwing stuff away
Environmentalists are passionate about bicycling, public transportation, and walking — none of which ever add up to a free ride to the airport. One of the few types of automobiles accepted by environmentalists is a Volvo or Mercedes converted to run on vegetable oil. These are considered valid options because they run on the waste of nonenvironmentalists and they reuse older cars. Environmentalists will go to great lengths to reuse things, even things they didn’t like the first time around.
While this emphasis on reuse will ultimately benefit the earth, you should not overlook the many ways in which it can benefit you! When you are in the home of an environmentalist and see something you covet, start dropping hints. Keep saying, “I suppose I’ll pick one up — I just hate to buy new and use all those resources.” If this does not work, you probably aren’t dealing with a real environmentalist.
Please note: This tactic will not work if the object in question is a Prius. Procuring an environmentalist’s Prius is an advanced procedure that is too complicated and delicate to divulge on these pages.
I will continue to post more of these if they are published, but I may also write a few of my own.
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